Knowing what’s good for you.

I know what’s good for me, and I am going to assume you know what’s good for you too. But, when it comes to love and heartbreak we no longer communicate out of logic or sensibility.

I write this post to you because I find myself torn between communicating and not communicating to my ex. Ex sounds so harsh, in reality he was my best friend, it was 9 years of ups and downs, the person I shared the most intimate deepest thoughts and feelings with, my other half so to speak.

Do I know what is best for me? Yes I do. I should stop, end and minimize all contact. I know this because I’m an emotional wreck mostly after communicating with him. I’m not upset about the contents of the emails or messages. I’m upset because of the distant feeling which is so foreign and strange to me, even now. Almost like the last 9 years never occurred. Did they? I thought my current situation felt like a dream. But now I feel the last 9 years is a dream.

I feel everything so intensely, I am highly sensitive * and as a result I still worry about him, think about what he must be feeling or not and over think these scenarios, as well this, when I do feel low, and am having a particularly shitty day, I can’t help but cry and feel even more low and pathetic and this all intensifies until the hurt and pain is numbed and I can begin to digest a mindset that is harsher and more in line with a stronger me.

This past summer I went to Crete, despite not wanting to go, I did. It was painful but I used the trip to focus on myself and healing my aching memories of our time spent there. I have been going to Crete since I was a baby with my family and it seemed silly to let 9 years out of my 29 years ruin my love of this Island. That is the reality I face. Rewriting memories over the ones I never thought I would have to, there is still resistance I guess to overwrite all of those memories of us in those places, but these memories are too painful to leave as ‘us’ for my lasting memory in these places. And so I have a lot of places to visit over the coming years and a lot of hurt to face up too.

I leave for Holland tomorrow on a family trip to visit friends and family in The Hague, and it is yet another sore memory I am having to overwrite, I believe it was this time last year I was there with him, and they were not pleasant memories so I know the next few days will be a challenge for me. I’m taking lots of positive mindset literature away with me and I plan to meditate on the beach daily, something I have neglected recently, and I am very mindful of the positive effects this has had on my mindset, but life does get in the way sometimes. When I say life I am referring to the dark mornings and the inability for my body to get out of my bed.

So… I do know I should stop all contact with him, but this is difficult to do when I am forever wondering what he is doing, how he is feeling, if he’s coping and what he is thinking. It’s a work in progress. But this ‘no contact’ scenario is inevitable when all the legal proceedings are complete in a few weeks which means there won’t be any reason for contact. How do I feel about that?

Ambivalent.

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* The habits of Highly Sensitive People:

  • They feel more deeply and cry more than most.
  • They’ve often been told to stop being so sensitive or to toughen up.
  • They enjoy solo sports: Dr Zeff says that research shows HSP prefer solo sports like cycling or running, although they can enjoy group sports too.
  • They agonise over decisions: as well as having great attention to detail, being more aware of consequences they also worry about upsetting others. “But they tend to make very good decisions in the end,” says Dr Aron.
  • They notice small details: “An HSP will notice somebody’s new haircut or the design of a hotel carpet when others won’t,” says Dr Aron.
  • They’re people pleasers: because they’re so sensitive to criticism they tend to overcompensate.
  • They feel other people’s pain: “HSPs tend to have incredible empathy and will worry about others a lot and be in tune with how they’re feeling,” says Dr Aron.

 

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